Special People

I never thought I would ever be interested in running.  Don't get me wrong, I do NOT enjoy it but I do like the thought of getting exercise and a little time to myself!  For those of you who don't know, I am signed up to do the Half Marathon in October so when I heard about the Colon Cancer 5K Race in June, it was a good distance for me to be at by that time.  My good friend Tabitha is a colon cancer survivor and this race was to honor her strength and courage during her fight over this disease.  Please keep her in your prayers, she is going in for a scan tomorrow morning to confirm that her cancer is still gone.

After the race I went to spend some money at Keegan's Rummage Sale.  His blog is attached to ours so please check out his story.  He is fighting for his life - one way is by going to NYC for a wonderful opportunity to be a part of a new study to beat his disease.  This is going to be very expensive but as a parent, it doesn't matter what you have to go through, you will fight for your children no matter what.  Please consider helping his family out at purchasing some BBQ.  When we were going through our own trial last year, our friends put a similar fundraiser together and it helped our family out so much.  You can purchase the BBQ at www.bbqbenefit.com, it will be ready for pick up on July 16.  If you are out of town or don't eat pig, please go to the website to make a donation.  Thank you in advance for your generous hearts.

I had the privilege last week to go see Ellie again in Cincinnati.  She has stolen my heart from the moment she was born.  Her parents and I only met a few months ago but have grown so close.  She had to have surgery this week.  April has posted the most beautiful pictures of Ellie on their blog.  We have it linked to our blog - go meet her.

When I got into town I met April and Matt at my favorite restaurant in Cincinnati in June - Dewey's Pizza.  I only like it during the month of June because they have a specialty taco pizza that is SO good.  The waitress told me that it was a good thing I came in when I did because as of Sunday the taco pizza was no more until next year.  I decided to go in and get a table and had been sitting there for about 10 minutes when the table next to me got up to leave.  I looked up to see one of Rebecca's nurses that I haven't seen since June 10 of last year.  (I loved when we had her.  I remember talking to her about making a scrapbook for Rebecca and she gave me some websites that I could create them on.  She even brought in one of her own scrapbooks so I could see the quality of them.)  She was eating with another nurse that we haven't seen since June 10.  (If my memory serves me correctly, she was our night nurse our first night in the CICU.  She was so patient with us.  As you can imagine we were very inquisitiveness and scared - not a good combination.  I also remember one time, I thought Rebecca's bed warmer warmed her a little too much.  She happened to be our nurse that night and I kept asking her questions about why her head was so hot and warm and if she needed to do something to fix it, if she was too hot - she loved me that night.)

I remember it so clearly... we were walking out of the unit to leave with our sweet Rebecca and both of them came over from the other wing of the unit to tell us goodbye.  That is the kind of people who were caring for Rebecca.  When they tell us that Rebecca holds a special place in their hearts it's true, they really loved her.  We have been up to the CICU many times since we left there with Rebecca but we are never there during night shift hours.  I have wanted to see our night nurses so bad - I love how our God works.

Thank you to everyone who was praying for our family this month.  June 10 was full of different emotions.  I felt so blessed though to be able to sit with her at her grave during the hours that were so tough a year before...we got to talk and listen to songs together.  My mom stopped by and gave me the most beautiful and precious letter that I will cherish my entire life.  It was a letter written to me and Brandon from Rebecca.  Here is a picture that I took at 6:15pm.

 

I am re-reading a book that describes what someone goes through after losing a child.  My sister-in-law lent me this book right after Rebecca passed away and the similarities in it to our situation was unbelievable.  It has touched my heart in so many ways and if anyone has lost a child, knows someone who has lost a child, or just wants to know what emotions a mother goes through after losing a child, I would encourage you to read this book.  She writes, "People constantly ask how it is that I am not angry with the Lord.  My honest answer is that I have been angry, and I have been disappointed.  What I have not been, and what I refuse to be, is disbelieving."  Angie Smith, I Will Carry You.

One year ago....

It started as a normal day.  I had been able to share another sleepover with you the night before in the hospital bed they brought in for us to share.  I loved being able to sleep next to you.  I remember, we had a nurse whom we had not had before that night.  She and I were talking about the song, "Temporary Home" and how much we liked it.  It had just started playing on the Christian radio station that we had on in your room at all time, now that you were in a private room. 

Joanna had reached the time when she was able to start taking a bottle.  I headed over to UC to document this wonderful moment for her.  It was so hard to leave Children's, where I was worried and scared about you, and head over to UC where I was excited and joyful that Joanna was progressing.

I got back over to Children's and laid with you.  That was my spot.  If I was there I was laying in bed with you, watching your every move and studying your every feature.  You were so beautiful.  You were going to get through this, I didn't care what the doctors said.  One of the doctors wanted to talk to us yet again, so I reluctantly left your side and went to have a conference.  I knew what they were going to tell us - the same thing two other doctors told us when they said they wanted to talk to us.  They wanted us to stop care and let you go.  It was starting to tick me off.  Why wouldn't they just leave us alone.  

Daddy and I left the meeting more emotionally drained than before we went in there, if that was possible.  I went right back to your side.  Daddy tried talking to me about my thoughts on what they were asking us to do.  I would not stop care on you.  You were my child, whom I loved with all my heart.  If God wanted you, he was going to have to take you.  This was the first time in this entire process that your daddy and I were not in agreement.  He loved you so much but he knew you were slipping away.  I was praying for God to tell me what I was supposed to do.  

Then my sign - your song "Our God" came on.  You were going to be ok.  There was nothing that could change my mind.  About 30 minutes later "Temporary Home" came on.  God was talking to me through a song as he did so many times during our journey.  In an instant, I knew you were slipping away from me and that it would only be a matter of time before you were gone forever.  It was a pain that I had never felt before.  I decided that instead of letting you lay there by yourself and pass away that I wanted to be holding you and loving you as you slipped away.    

You were telling my heart, to let yours go.  

How could I tell the doctors to turn off the machines?  I am your mom, I'm supposed to love you and fight for you.  It was unacceptable.  I had said all along that I was never ever going to make that decision.  If I let you go, what was that saying, that I didn't love you?  You were a twin - that means there is two of you, not one.  Would Joanna ever forgive me?  Would she feel an emptiness?  

After praying for God to help me understand why things were coming to this crossroads, I came to the decision that I needed to let you go.  It was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life.  

It was time...they placed you in my arms for the last time.  The whole time I was questioning if we were doing the right thing.  I felt a peace but it was quickly followed by regret.  They took your breathing tube out and the tape off your face.  You were so beautiful.  This was the first time I had seen your precious face.  You looked so much like Kenlee.  Everyone left the room except Daddy, he sat beside us.  I couldn't help but touch your face over and over.  There were no monitors, no beeps.  You were so peaceful.  As the sun was setting, I remember the light filling the room.  I knew you were gone at that exact second.  After only about 10 minutes, the nurse came in and told us you were gone, but I already knew that.  As your mother, I knew the moment you met God.  I kept telling you over and over how sorry I was.  Even though I knew we were doing what God wanted us to do, I wanted you to know how sorry I was for letting you go.  I felt so guilty.  My heart was broken, it will never be whole again.  Time stood still.      

My Sweet Rebecca, I love you.

Some say time heals - that is not true.  Time will never make my loss any less painful.  

Rebecca's foot print and hand print are etched into her stone - so precious.

   

Updates...

I know it has been awhile since a post but this summer has been CRAZY!!  We are going all the time - swimming at Aunt Sue's pool, going to Boonville Water Park, the Zoo, and bunches more.

Here is our life in review since our last post.

1.  Katelyn graduated Pre-K and is on to Kindergarten.  She will go to Oak Hill Elementary School next year and the thing she is so excited about is riding the bus.  Katelyn and Kenlee had a graduation program at their school where they sang songs and had a slide presentation.

2.  We took a trip to Wayne City to visit grandparents.  I am hoping to do that a lot more this summer.  I bought 50 quarts of strawberries while we were up there to make strawberry jam and bagged strawberries for the Barnards famous "Strawberries and Chocolate Chip Cookies".

3.  After 8 months of practicing, Katelyn had her dance recital this weekend.  She did a tap and tumble routine.  She did such a good job out there.  Kenlee couldn't wait until the recital was done so she could play dress up with the outfits.  Katelyn and Kenlee will be taking dance lessons beginning in September. 

4.  Thank you all so much for your continued prayers for Ellie.  She has been doing great and continues to get healthy.  Ellie is doing so good that April gets to hold her today.  I'm sure she will be posting pictures on her blog later tonight so be sure to check it out.

5.  The girls are looking forward to spending time with their cousin Deacon who is in town this week.  They ask to go play with him all the time and we have to have a talk about how far away he lives from us.

Thats all for now.