Two years ago...
Instead of going straight to Rebecca's room, I head over to UC to give Joanna her first bottle! I can't believe how far she's come. While this is supposed to be a celebration, I feel guilty that I'm not with Rebecca. I know how sick she is and I really should be with her but I just can't miss this time with Joanna. Before my guilt eats away at me, I decide this is where I need to be at this moment.
Joanna did a great job - I'm so proud of her and on a high that that seems far and few between these days. I know her taking a bottle means we are another step closer to going home.
As I walk into Rebecca's unit, I feel an an uneasiness. Our favorite attending is on today - the one who admitted Rebecca to the CVICU.
I assume my favorite place - laying beside her in our big adult bed, taking in every part of her. Watching her breath, listening to the sounds of the machines, begging God to heal her with everything I have.
Why is He not listening? What have I done that's so bad that He would make my daughter suffer like she is? Am I not believing with everything in my heart that He can heal her, is that why He's not - because I've had thoughts that she may not make it. My mind is buzzing with thoughts and questions.
Around lunch time the attending doctor wants to meet with Brandon and I. I know what they are going to say, same thing we've heard before with another attending who wanted to talk with us. I become defensive. I'm sick of hearing how she's not going to get better and that we need to consider letting her go. If they really stepped back away from their professional role and got into their parenting role, they would see that what they are asking me to do is unimaginable. A parent should never have to make a decision to let their child go. Why can't they just leave us alone and see that God will heal her, we just have to give Him time to do it when He sees fit.
Reluctant to leave my daughters side, I go to the meeting to please the doctors. I'm not really listening to anything they are saying. I don't care what they have to say - they are talking time away from me, precious time that I want with my daughter. Meeting is over thank goodness so I can go back to her.
Neither Brandon nor I talk about what was just discussed. I know he is giving me time to process things. Finally he asks me what my thoughts are. Now I'm ticked. Why would he even ask me what my thoughts are. Does he not remember any of the talks we have had before...I'm not letting my daughter go. God WILL heal her and we need to let Him do that. I love my daughter too much to let her go.
An hour or so passes and nothing is discussed. While Rebecca and I are lying there, "Temporary Home" comes on the radio. A voice starts talking to me. Its telling me that its ok to let her go. That letting her go would be the bravest thing a parent could do. God was telling me that me letting her go IS part of His plan. This is not our home but just a temporary home until we are called to be with Jesus.
Here I am, holding my precious Rebecca watching her take her last breath. I can't even describe the heartbreak I feel. My chest is so heavy, I feel like I can't catch my breath. Its a pain I've never felt before. I don't know whether I'm going to survive this brokenness I feel.
This is what I replay over and over in my mind on this day. I remember the weather, what I was wearing, and the pain is still so raw. I went out to the cemetery and made up a new array of flowers for her grave. I was able to be out there with her for about an hour today, again just letting my mind be consumed with my memories of her.
Thank you for all of the emails, phone calls, texts, and messages we received. You will never know how much it means to know that she is not forgotten. I want you to know that I did get them but really wasn't up to responding.
