One year ago....

It started as a normal day.  I had been able to share another sleepover with you the night before in the hospital bed they brought in for us to share.  I loved being able to sleep next to you.  I remember, we had a nurse whom we had not had before that night.  She and I were talking about the song, "Temporary Home" and how much we liked it.  It had just started playing on the Christian radio station that we had on in your room at all time, now that you were in a private room. 

Joanna had reached the time when she was able to start taking a bottle.  I headed over to UC to document this wonderful moment for her.  It was so hard to leave Children's, where I was worried and scared about you, and head over to UC where I was excited and joyful that Joanna was progressing.

I got back over to Children's and laid with you.  That was my spot.  If I was there I was laying in bed with you, watching your every move and studying your every feature.  You were so beautiful.  You were going to get through this, I didn't care what the doctors said.  One of the doctors wanted to talk to us yet again, so I reluctantly left your side and went to have a conference.  I knew what they were going to tell us - the same thing two other doctors told us when they said they wanted to talk to us.  They wanted us to stop care and let you go.  It was starting to tick me off.  Why wouldn't they just leave us alone.  

Daddy and I left the meeting more emotionally drained than before we went in there, if that was possible.  I went right back to your side.  Daddy tried talking to me about my thoughts on what they were asking us to do.  I would not stop care on you.  You were my child, whom I loved with all my heart.  If God wanted you, he was going to have to take you.  This was the first time in this entire process that your daddy and I were not in agreement.  He loved you so much but he knew you were slipping away.  I was praying for God to tell me what I was supposed to do.  

Then my sign - your song "Our God" came on.  You were going to be ok.  There was nothing that could change my mind.  About 30 minutes later "Temporary Home" came on.  God was talking to me through a song as he did so many times during our journey.  In an instant, I knew you were slipping away from me and that it would only be a matter of time before you were gone forever.  It was a pain that I had never felt before.  I decided that instead of letting you lay there by yourself and pass away that I wanted to be holding you and loving you as you slipped away.    

You were telling my heart, to let yours go.  

How could I tell the doctors to turn off the machines?  I am your mom, I'm supposed to love you and fight for you.  It was unacceptable.  I had said all along that I was never ever going to make that decision.  If I let you go, what was that saying, that I didn't love you?  You were a twin - that means there is two of you, not one.  Would Joanna ever forgive me?  Would she feel an emptiness?  

After praying for God to help me understand why things were coming to this crossroads, I came to the decision that I needed to let you go.  It was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life.  

It was time...they placed you in my arms for the last time.  The whole time I was questioning if we were doing the right thing.  I felt a peace but it was quickly followed by regret.  They took your breathing tube out and the tape off your face.  You were so beautiful.  This was the first time I had seen your precious face.  You looked so much like Kenlee.  Everyone left the room except Daddy, he sat beside us.  I couldn't help but touch your face over and over.  There were no monitors, no beeps.  You were so peaceful.  As the sun was setting, I remember the light filling the room.  I knew you were gone at that exact second.  After only about 10 minutes, the nurse came in and told us you were gone, but I already knew that.  As your mother, I knew the moment you met God.  I kept telling you over and over how sorry I was.  Even though I knew we were doing what God wanted us to do, I wanted you to know how sorry I was for letting you go.  I felt so guilty.  My heart was broken, it will never be whole again.  Time stood still.      

My Sweet Rebecca, I love you.

Some say time heals - that is not true.  Time will never make my loss any less painful.  

Rebecca's foot print and hand print are etched into her stone - so precious.