Remembering Rebecca

There are many ways to describe the last few days. Some are emotional, beautiful, meaningful, and purposeful.

I told Jessica this morning we are now a labeled couple. We will from now on, often be referred to as the couple that lost their little girl. There are days of everyone's lives that are marked for many different occasions. Out of 365 of them you have birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas and so on. The older you get I guess your calendar slowly fills up with those significant dates. We just added a few to our calendar for the month of June. While remembering those days as the saddest of our lives we can at the same time remember them as the most beautiful. From the visitation Saturday, to the funeral service Sunday when my friend Jeff opened with Chris Tomlin's version of Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) where I imagined being in Heaven singing it to Rebecca (It was honestly the most amazing thing I have ever heard in my life). To the burial Monday where the shade from the tree that Jessica picked for Rebecca to be beside, protected most all of us from the sun. Finally, ending with the release of 74 pink balloons into the air, one for each day of her life. As they floated into the sky, it was like each day came flashing back into my mind for each one of the balloons. When they were nearly out of sight, my thoughts turned to more of Rebecca's ascension into Heaven. There were so many things that I will never forget. When was about halfway to the car to get Rebecca, Katelyn started running after me. She hung on my arm as I walked, carrying Rebecca to her awaiting grave. Then, when I played Rebecca's song Katelyn lightened the mood by dancing for us. Of all of these moments, the one that I probably will remember the most was after nearly everyone was gone, Jessica walked back to the casket, knelt down beside it and gave her a kiss.

We want to express our sincere appreciation to everyone that made it to any or all of the services for Rebecca. Also, thank you to those that have posted comments of encouragement or sympathy. Memorial contributions made to the Evansville Ronald McDonald House totaled $500. We will be making that donation when we return from Cincinnati.

Jessica and I went to visit Rebecca this morning before we left to come back to Cincinnati. We plan to visit her often. I wanted to tell the girls we would go visit her anytime they wanted but Katelyn said she wanted to go see her about 5 minutes after we left the cemetery.

Joanna is now 6# and tonight she took half of her bottle by mouth. She is doing great with her feedings each time a little better than the time before. Tonight, Jessica and I gave her a bath and held her for most of the afternoon and evening. My parents, Bryan/Ashley/Deacon and Alexis also came to see her and held her today also. When we left UC tonight we had to drive past Children's Hospital on our way to Ronald McDonald House. It was an odd feeling. Jessica and I neither one looked over there or said a word.

Below is what I read at the funeral service.
Here are a few of my favorite pictures. We took the picture of the "twin" rainbows when we were going home Monday. I will be uploading some more to an album soon.

Welcome.

Not knowing how far I would get into this I want to first say thank you to Jessica, the best partner I could ever go through this with. I want to tell my princesses how much we love them and have missed them. And I want to tell everyone that has picked up our slack here at home while we are away how much we appreciate what they do.  

At first, I didn't think I would want to say anything today, but after a couple of days of thought, I realized I would forever regret not speaking at this moment. 

We all knew when we came here today, this wasn't going to be a funeral that most of us had experienced or will ever have to experience again, hopefully.  So, how do we as Rebecca's parents make her day special? We make it about music and worshiping her creator because that is what the family that she was born into does. Yesterday morning when we were at home getting ready to go the funeral home, I walked upstairs to change clothes and as I walked past Alexis' closed door I could hear her radio blasting "How Great Is Our God" by Chris Tomlin. I just stopped outside her door and listened and cried. I did until the station went to static then I heard Alexis say KENLEE. Then I just laughed and walked away.       

The majority of you here have probably followed our journey the past several weeks on the blog. I'm sure at times you felt like you were a part of the journey, I hope you did because we felt like you were part of it with us. 

I didn't think there would ever be a time that I would ever share these next stories to anyone beyond Jessica but now it makes sense.  You see, God has been preparing me for this loss for several years. On October 13, 2007 after seeing Mark Schultz sing "He's My Son" at the Evansville Christian Life Center annual banquet, Jessica and I sat parked on the riverfront where I just wept and explained to her how I had this overwhelming feeling that I was going to lose someone close to me. About that same time when Katelyn was 1 or 2 I remember rocking her to sleep one night bawling my eyes out with that same feeling again. The scary part was after I put her to bed and I got into the shower. I took a washcloth from the cabinet and hung it in the shower. I washed my hair then took the washcloth from the hook. At that point I noticed a hair bow hooked onto it. I was honestly freaked out.           

The past few days Jessica and I have heard, seen, and done things that only the fewest can imagine. We heard doctors repeatedly tell us "your daughter is not going to make" not "it doesn't look good" or "we have little hope". We watched as our baby took her last breath in Jessica's arms and Friday we went to the mall to buy the dress she now wears, the only dress she will ever wear.

For those that wonder what goes through our minds when something like this happens, I will offer some insight. As we held her in her room at Children's the baby in the adjoining room was crying, Jessica said to me "we never got to hear Rebecca cry". I thought, we never will. Nor, will we watch her make a mess with her first birthday cake when Joanna does. Or, see her first dance recital, first day of school, and I won't give her away on her wedding day. There are hundreds more that we will forever be reminded as we see Joanna grow up. In case you didn't know, they were confirmed by DNA testing to be identical.  

I don't tell you all of that seeking tears or emotions. I say it so I can follow it with this. Everyone credits us with the strength and faith that they could never see in themselves. 8 months ago you wouldn't have seen it in us either. It was given to us through prayer from a multitude of people literally from all over the world. We were chosen to conceive identical twin girls and from that point, place all of our trust in God. In doing that, he responded to those prayers every single day with the strength we needed. One of the songs in this video coming up says it best.     

Psalm 121:1-2 says -  I lift up my eyes to the hills - where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.

Because we are a family that loves worship music and we have amazing friends that can pull off putting this together with just 2 days notice, after the following video that is what we are going to do. All of these musicians lead worship here at Bethel and most of them are dear friends of ours.

Please enjoy this video prepared by one of those friends. It captures ours fondest memories beautifully for us to cherish forever.